Oops

Oh My! It has been a while. Life has picked up a lot in the past few weeks, and it seems like we have been running nonstop. My parent's visited last weekend, we made this date weekend, and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get all of my homework assignments done. I feel like I've crammed a years worth of stuff into a week and a half.

And basically, I have. Blake deploys in 9 days. I've been trying to spend as much time together as possible and to do as much stuff as we can. I didn't think this deployment would sneak up on me like it has, but it sure did. It seems like just yesterday he came home and told me that he would be leaving in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, it's just a week and a few days away.

This deployment has taken it's toll on us and it hasn't even begun yet. My reaction to this one is drastically different than it was last time. During the first deployment, I sort of denied it was going to happen. It just felt like it would never come. Even the day of, I still felt like by some chance miracle, he wouldn't have to go. But that is not my approach this time. I know it's coming. I know he is leaving. There is nothing I can do (short of running him over with my car and I don't think he would appreciate that) that will stop him from leaving the United States in 9 days. Even though I'm not in denial this time, it doesn't mean I'm handling it much better.

I've been a bit difficult to live with lately. It seems like everything he does drives me insane. And when he drives me insane, I get cranky and whiny. Because I am cranky and whiny, Blake gets annoyed with me and doesn't want to spend time with me. Because he doesn't want to spend time with me, I declare (or yell) that he doesn't love me anymore and that he can leave for Afghanistan at any time. See the pattern. Not fun stuff.

I'm an emotional roller coaster, and the smallest thing can set me off. Take for example last Friday night. My parents were coming into town that night, and I needed to go grocery shopping. After I got off work, I headed straight to the commissary. Blake had taken in his Jeep to get fixed, and while he was waiting, he went golfing with the guys. He was supposed to meet me at the commissary, but the jeep wasn't ready on time and golfing took longer than expected and blah, blah, blah. Long story short, he didn't get home until 7:30 and by that time, I was extremely mad. And why was I so mad? Because he didn't go grocery shopping with me. It was our last grocery trip before he left, and for some insane reason, I really wanted him to go with me. On the drive home from shopping, I ended up yelling excessively at him over the phone and then crying hysterically the second I hung up.

I know I am going to be shopping by myself for twelve freaking months and all I wanted was one last trip together. All in all, I was just upset and sort of disappointed. Normally, I could articulate this with no problem, but with there is something about a deployment that makes me insane and unable to say what I feel. Truth be told, I feel like I'm trying to push him away. Trying to brace myself for the upcoming twelve months. And really, there's not much that can prepare me for this.

All I can do is pray, and then continue living my life. Even though it feels like my world is going to end when he steps on that plane, it won't. It didn't last time, and it won't th is time. I'll adapt, I'll figure it out, and then I'll stuff my face.