I have been trying to find the words to write this entry for several days now, and I just haven't been able to do it. It's really hard to find the words to describe one of the hardest days of my life. And it wasn't just one day, it was THREE! Because the Army hates me.
On Wednesday, we went out to breakfast with Blake's parents, siblings, aunt & uncle, cousin, and grandparents. Every time he deploys, we have to have breakfast together as a family at Cracker Barrel. So we followed tradition and all gathered for one last meal with him. We sat and chatted and laughed and told stories and cried. More specifically, I cried. I kept having to escape to the bathroom so I wouldn't start a chain reaction.
But this was nothing new to Blake, I had spent the morning crying. I woke up with knots in my stomach knowing that I had to say goodbye into him for a year. And then I cried. And he held me. And I stopped crying for about 5 seconds and then started again. It was a viscous cycle. But eventually I stopped long enough to get out of bed and get myself ready for the day.
So anyways. We had to say goodbye to his grandparents after breakfast, because they had a long drive ahead of them. Blake and his Grandma are very close and it's always an emotional goodbye, but what killed me, was when his Grandpa started to cry. I just can't take it when stoic men cry.
And then we left for the base. It was the worst car ride of my life. Every mile we drove took us closer to the place where I had to leave my best friend. By the time we got there, I was bawling like a baby. Blake couldn't even look at me. I was a crying mess. Mascara down my face, eyes as swollen as they could get, and a runny nose. Just the way I wanted him to see me before he left for a year.
I never imagined letting him go would be as hard and as painful as it was. Second to losing my best friend, it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't even describe what it is like to watch the love of your life walk away, knowing that he will 7800 miles away and will not return for a year.
But then he was back in 5 hours. There plane broke down, and then Army was nice enough to let us know that we would have to repeat this day everyday until they finally got a plane. But that didn't happen. We were told a few hours after that they would fly out on Friday. So Friday, we began to repeat the process. Going out to breakfast, taking pictures, watching him pack, and driving back to post. And then...we get a text. No plane again.
At this point, I was very frustrated. Not that he wasn't leaving, because as far as I was concerned, they could just not leave at all. But I was very frustrated because I just wanted to know when this was going to end. I wanted to know when the knot in my stomach could go away. And when I could begin living my life again. At this point, I hadn't been to work in a week, hadn't gone to school in two weeks, and had piles of homework left to do.
On Friday, we found out that they would be leaving on Sunday. We spent the rest of the weekend eating, watching movies, and being bums. Which was the perfect way to spend our last weekend together. On Sunday, I repeated Wednesday just with a little less tears. It was still incredibly hard to say goodbye to him. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want him to leave.
Goodbyes are never easy, and they're even harder when it's someone who has invaded every part of your life. I couldn't have imagined on my wedding day how big of an impact he would have on my life or how much more I would love him. These made this goodbye extra hard. But it's also what will make this deployment easy. Because of how much I love him and how much he means to me, this deployment will be a breeze. Anything is possible when you're doing it for someone you love.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Learning to Dance in the Rain
We are 4 days away from the deployment, and I am really feeling it. I'm just not ready, but then again, I don't think I will ever be. No matter how many times I will have to do this, I don't think I will ever be ready to send him half way around the world. Nothing can prepare you for this, but that doesn't mean I haven't been trying.
This quote has been my motto for the last 6 weeks as I've been preparing for this deployment: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I'm living, breathing, and eating that motto right now. I'm trying to dance in this rainstorm we are in right now.
It's just not a fun time for us right now. All I can think about is the deployment, and thats the last thing Blake wants to think about. I'm the type of person who needs to talk about something until I'm blue in the face, and that's not exactly Blake's style. He's a very stoic man, and while I know this is hard for him too, he just doesn't show it much.
We're learning to find the little positives in our situation. Our relationship grew by leaps and bounds during the last deployment, and we are looking forward to that. Being apart for a year, adds depth and maturity to a relationship in a way no other experience can. You learn new things about your spouse, learn to let things go, and learn how to keep communication open in new ways. I have been able to appreciate Blake in a thousand new ways due to our previous deployment and to preparing for another deployment.
While this year seems like it's going to last forever, I know it's only a minuscule amount of time when compared to the rest of our lives. I'm ready to jump into this deployment, because there is no other way. You don't get to dip your toes into it to see if your ready to get in, you don't get to ease into, you just have to jump cannonball style into it. And that's what we are getting ready to do.
This quote has been my motto for the last 6 weeks as I've been preparing for this deployment: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I'm living, breathing, and eating that motto right now. I'm trying to dance in this rainstorm we are in right now.
It's just not a fun time for us right now. All I can think about is the deployment, and thats the last thing Blake wants to think about. I'm the type of person who needs to talk about something until I'm blue in the face, and that's not exactly Blake's style. He's a very stoic man, and while I know this is hard for him too, he just doesn't show it much.
We're learning to find the little positives in our situation. Our relationship grew by leaps and bounds during the last deployment, and we are looking forward to that. Being apart for a year, adds depth and maturity to a relationship in a way no other experience can. You learn new things about your spouse, learn to let things go, and learn how to keep communication open in new ways. I have been able to appreciate Blake in a thousand new ways due to our previous deployment and to preparing for another deployment.
While this year seems like it's going to last forever, I know it's only a minuscule amount of time when compared to the rest of our lives. I'm ready to jump into this deployment, because there is no other way. You don't get to dip your toes into it to see if your ready to get in, you don't get to ease into, you just have to jump cannonball style into it. And that's what we are getting ready to do.
Top Ten Reasons He CAN Deploy
10. I might be able to have a sheet set for more than a month. I feel I need to explain. My husband has some sort of special ability to rip sheets. Somehow, in his sleep, he pulls the fitted sheet off and then when he goes to put it back on before he goes to bed, he rips it. In the corner. Two sheet sets in two months is more than enough.
9. Because I will have a 1000x less laundry to do. I'm not sure how he does it, but he goes through more clothes, towels, and anything else that needs to be washed than anyone I know.
8. I will get run of the TV. The hubs is addicted to the TV. If we go to a restaurant and there is a TV within eye-shot, he is watching it. When we're home, he's watching it. And typically not the shows I want to watch. We have our shows that we watch, but the rest of the time, we're watching food shows, car shows, and war shows. I have to say, a year break from those shows sounds pretty good to me.
7. The amount of clutter in my house will be significantly reduced. Blake and I have accumulated ALOT of clutter in our short 9 months of marriage, but OUR clutter does not even compare to HIS clutter. Or more specifically, ARMY clutter. They give him way too much stuff and it all ends in my spare bedroom. It looks like the Army puked in my spare bedroom.
6. There will be no toothpaste residue left in my sink. Enough said.
5. I will have entire run of the bed. See previous blog entry titled "Issues" for more information.
4. I get his phone. I hate my phone and I haven't even had it for a year. And because my husband is oh-so-wonderful, he is letting me use his cell phone. This is a wonderful thing because I can't express enough my hatred for my phone. And also because his has this cool coloring pad thing.
3. Because it means I get to mooch off my parents for a little while longer. I am spending the summer in Indiana to complete an externship, and it'll be fun to get to spend some time with my parents. Typically if you move back home when your married, it's not a good thing. But for a military wife, it's the GREATEST thing. There is no better place to be than with family when your husband is 7,800 miles away in a warzone.
2. A year without snoring doesn't sound too bad to me! I'm constantly hitting him or kicking him or telling him to roll over or attempting to suffocate him with the pillow (just kidding to the last one). He does not have a bad snore, but it's just this quiet, breathy snore that drives me INSANE when I am having trouble sleeping.
1. And lastly, because I will actually get homework done in advance. It seems like I never get anything done when he is around. He always has something he wants to do, places he wants to go, and I never get anything done. I'm always doing it at the last second. Now, I wont have any excuse to slack on homework.
9. Because I will have a 1000x less laundry to do. I'm not sure how he does it, but he goes through more clothes, towels, and anything else that needs to be washed than anyone I know.
8. I will get run of the TV. The hubs is addicted to the TV. If we go to a restaurant and there is a TV within eye-shot, he is watching it. When we're home, he's watching it. And typically not the shows I want to watch. We have our shows that we watch, but the rest of the time, we're watching food shows, car shows, and war shows. I have to say, a year break from those shows sounds pretty good to me.
7. The amount of clutter in my house will be significantly reduced. Blake and I have accumulated ALOT of clutter in our short 9 months of marriage, but OUR clutter does not even compare to HIS clutter. Or more specifically, ARMY clutter. They give him way too much stuff and it all ends in my spare bedroom. It looks like the Army puked in my spare bedroom.
6. There will be no toothpaste residue left in my sink. Enough said.
5. I will have entire run of the bed. See previous blog entry titled "Issues" for more information.
4. I get his phone. I hate my phone and I haven't even had it for a year. And because my husband is oh-so-wonderful, he is letting me use his cell phone. This is a wonderful thing because I can't express enough my hatred for my phone. And also because his has this cool coloring pad thing.
3. Because it means I get to mooch off my parents for a little while longer. I am spending the summer in Indiana to complete an externship, and it'll be fun to get to spend some time with my parents. Typically if you move back home when your married, it's not a good thing. But for a military wife, it's the GREATEST thing. There is no better place to be than with family when your husband is 7,800 miles away in a warzone.
2. A year without snoring doesn't sound too bad to me! I'm constantly hitting him or kicking him or telling him to roll over or attempting to suffocate him with the pillow (just kidding to the last one). He does not have a bad snore, but it's just this quiet, breathy snore that drives me INSANE when I am having trouble sleeping.
1. And lastly, because I will actually get homework done in advance. It seems like I never get anything done when he is around. He always has something he wants to do, places he wants to go, and I never get anything done. I'm always doing it at the last second. Now, I wont have any excuse to slack on homework.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Top Ten Reasons Why My Husband Can't Deploy
10. I'm not going to have a good reason to skip classes anymore.
9. Whining will not be the same when I'm the only one around to hear it. And according to Blake, I whine quite a bit :)
8. Who's going to spoil me?
7. I will be the only one here to clean my house. And that's not good for me... or the house.
6. I won't have anyone to blame for my messy house. And I refuse to admit that I'm the messy one in this relationship.
5. Who am I going to make fun of on a daily basis?
4. Every night I hear noises downstairs, and I am not qualified to go check them out. So this year will consist of me hiding under my covers thinking someone is outside of my bedroom door.
3. I lose everything, and I always find a way to blame it on him. Whether it's my debit card, keys, cell phones, or wedding set. And I refuse to admit that it's my fault.
2. The mail lady will hate me because I always forget to check the mail.
1. I'm actually going to have to be responsible for feeding myself-something else I am not qualified to do. I think I've cooked about 10 meals since I got married thanks to my chef of a husband. And I am fairly certain I will starve to death during this deployment.
9. Whining will not be the same when I'm the only one around to hear it. And according to Blake, I whine quite a bit :)
8. Who's going to spoil me?
7. I will be the only one here to clean my house. And that's not good for me... or the house.
6. I won't have anyone to blame for my messy house. And I refuse to admit that I'm the messy one in this relationship.
5. Who am I going to make fun of on a daily basis?
4. Every night I hear noises downstairs, and I am not qualified to go check them out. So this year will consist of me hiding under my covers thinking someone is outside of my bedroom door.
3. I lose everything, and I always find a way to blame it on him. Whether it's my debit card, keys, cell phones, or wedding set. And I refuse to admit that it's my fault.
2. The mail lady will hate me because I always forget to check the mail.
1. I'm actually going to have to be responsible for feeding myself-something else I am not qualified to do. I think I've cooked about 10 meals since I got married thanks to my chef of a husband. And I am fairly certain I will starve to death during this deployment.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Oops
Oh My! It has been a while. Life has picked up a lot in the past few weeks, and it seems like we have been running nonstop. My parent's visited last weekend, we made this date weekend, and I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get all of my homework assignments done. I feel like I've crammed a years worth of stuff into a week and a half.
And basically, I have. Blake deploys in 9 days. I've been trying to spend as much time together as possible and to do as much stuff as we can. I didn't think this deployment would sneak up on me like it has, but it sure did. It seems like just yesterday he came home and told me that he would be leaving in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, it's just a week and a few days away.
This deployment has taken it's toll on us and it hasn't even begun yet. My reaction to this one is drastically different than it was last time. During the first deployment, I sort of denied it was going to happen. It just felt like it would never come. Even the day of, I still felt like by some chance miracle, he wouldn't have to go. But that is not my approach this time. I know it's coming. I know he is leaving. There is nothing I can do (short of running him over with my car and I don't think he would appreciate that) that will stop him from leaving the United States in 9 days. Even though I'm not in denial this time, it doesn't mean I'm handling it much better.
I've been a bit difficult to live with lately. It seems like everything he does drives me insane. And when he drives me insane, I get cranky and whiny. Because I am cranky and whiny, Blake gets annoyed with me and doesn't want to spend time with me. Because he doesn't want to spend time with me, I declare (or yell) that he doesn't love me anymore and that he can leave for Afghanistan at any time. See the pattern. Not fun stuff.
I'm an emotional roller coaster, and the smallest thing can set me off. Take for example last Friday night. My parents were coming into town that night, and I needed to go grocery shopping. After I got off work, I headed straight to the commissary. Blake had taken in his Jeep to get fixed, and while he was waiting, he went golfing with the guys. He was supposed to meet me at the commissary, but the jeep wasn't ready on time and golfing took longer than expected and blah, blah, blah. Long story short, he didn't get home until 7:30 and by that time, I was extremely mad. And why was I so mad? Because he didn't go grocery shopping with me. It was our last grocery trip before he left, and for some insane reason, I really wanted him to go with me. On the drive home from shopping, I ended up yelling excessively at him over the phone and then crying hysterically the second I hung up.
I know I am going to be shopping by myself for twelve freaking months and all I wanted was one last trip together. All in all, I was just upset and sort of disappointed. Normally, I could articulate this with no problem, but with there is something about a deployment that makes me insane and unable to say what I feel. Truth be told, I feel like I'm trying to push him away. Trying to brace myself for the upcoming twelve months. And really, there's not much that can prepare me for this.
All I can do is pray, and then continue living my life. Even though it feels like my world is going to end when he steps on that plane, it won't. It didn't last time, and it won't th is time. I'll adapt, I'll figure it out, and then I'll stuff my face.
And basically, I have. Blake deploys in 9 days. I've been trying to spend as much time together as possible and to do as much stuff as we can. I didn't think this deployment would sneak up on me like it has, but it sure did. It seems like just yesterday he came home and told me that he would be leaving in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, it's just a week and a few days away.
This deployment has taken it's toll on us and it hasn't even begun yet. My reaction to this one is drastically different than it was last time. During the first deployment, I sort of denied it was going to happen. It just felt like it would never come. Even the day of, I still felt like by some chance miracle, he wouldn't have to go. But that is not my approach this time. I know it's coming. I know he is leaving. There is nothing I can do (short of running him over with my car and I don't think he would appreciate that) that will stop him from leaving the United States in 9 days. Even though I'm not in denial this time, it doesn't mean I'm handling it much better.
I've been a bit difficult to live with lately. It seems like everything he does drives me insane. And when he drives me insane, I get cranky and whiny. Because I am cranky and whiny, Blake gets annoyed with me and doesn't want to spend time with me. Because he doesn't want to spend time with me, I declare (or yell) that he doesn't love me anymore and that he can leave for Afghanistan at any time. See the pattern. Not fun stuff.
I'm an emotional roller coaster, and the smallest thing can set me off. Take for example last Friday night. My parents were coming into town that night, and I needed to go grocery shopping. After I got off work, I headed straight to the commissary. Blake had taken in his Jeep to get fixed, and while he was waiting, he went golfing with the guys. He was supposed to meet me at the commissary, but the jeep wasn't ready on time and golfing took longer than expected and blah, blah, blah. Long story short, he didn't get home until 7:30 and by that time, I was extremely mad. And why was I so mad? Because he didn't go grocery shopping with me. It was our last grocery trip before he left, and for some insane reason, I really wanted him to go with me. On the drive home from shopping, I ended up yelling excessively at him over the phone and then crying hysterically the second I hung up.
I know I am going to be shopping by myself for twelve freaking months and all I wanted was one last trip together. All in all, I was just upset and sort of disappointed. Normally, I could articulate this with no problem, but with there is something about a deployment that makes me insane and unable to say what I feel. Truth be told, I feel like I'm trying to push him away. Trying to brace myself for the upcoming twelve months. And really, there's not much that can prepare me for this.
All I can do is pray, and then continue living my life. Even though it feels like my world is going to end when he steps on that plane, it won't. It didn't last time, and it won't th is time. I'll adapt, I'll figure it out, and then I'll stuff my face.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
