We have had an absolutely amazing weekend. We spent a few nights in a cabin in Gatliburg with another couple, DJ & Ginny. We got there on Friday, after a beautiful drive through the mountains, and got settled in.
And oh my gosh. Our cabin. It was amazing. It made me never want to leave. It was a two-story cabin that was absolutely beautiful. Our bedroom had floor to ceiling glass windows so every morning we woke up to a gorgeous view of the smoky mountains. I've spent my whole life living in flat ol' Indiana so I absolutely loved waking up to that view. Somehow it seems unfair even now that I'm living in Tennessee, I'm still in the mainly flat area of the state.
Moving on. The second we got there Blake realized he had forgot his shoes at our house. The only shoes he had were his tennis shoes, and they just wouldn't do. My husband is a bit...how to put it...fashion conscience. And heaven forbid, he wear jeans with tennis shoes. So on our first night in Gatliburg, we searched for a shoe store. We found one and he got new shoes so the crisis was averted.
We spent the rest of the night eating, laughing, go carting, and soaking in the hot tub. Turns out I am no go cart champ. I lost almost every freaking race. It was so unfair. I swear it was rigged. Every race, Blake and Ginny wound up with the fast cars while DJ and I were stuck puttering around the track. I think we ended up being lapped by them each race. It was ridiculous. When we got back to the cabin that night, we all hung out in the hot tub. We had so much fun talking and laughing. Then the next thing we knew it was 2 am and the fog was rolling in. They don't call it the smoky mountains for nothing. Before we knew it, the fog was so thick we couldn't see a foot out our windows.
The next morning, we headed into Gatlinburg to check out the town. There was so much to do. But I liked the shopping the most. I bet I could win an olympic medal in shopping. We found some great things for our house (not that I need more decorating items), and some neat sauces for Blake to experiment with while he cooks. But then he found something so gross & disgusting, I thought I was going to vomit. Bacon cheddar grasshoppers and mexican spice larva. AND HE BOUGHT THEM!!!! AND THEN HE ATE THEM!!!! I am pretty sure this is grounds for divorce. But moving on.
We spent the evening playing putt putt, eating, go carting, and lounging in the hot tub again. Turns out the people who stunk at go carting, rocked at putt putt so we got our revenge. And I even won two rounds out of five at go carting that night. So it was a great night. I love it when I beat my husband at something. Once again, it was a late night which wasn't a great idea since we had to check out at 10 am. I think we got 12 hours of sleep total the whole weekend, but it was worth it for all the fun we had.
Speaking of checking out, we got up at 9 am to clean, pack, and get out of the cabin. Normally I am the forgetful one, but not this time. We left the cabin with 8 minutes to spare and headed off to get some breakfast. As we're pulling into the restaurant parking lot, my husband asks me if I have his cell phone. I did not and neither did he. So back we go, and lo and behold there it is. Sitting on our bed just waiting for someone to grab it. Back we go to the restaurant. Once again, we pull into the parking lot and he asks me if I grabbed his tennis shoes. Nope I sure didn't. At this point I thought I was going to kill him. Lucky for him, he had remembered them and they were in the trunk. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to watch him for signs of Alzheimer's.
All the things we did on our trip were alot of fun, but the best part of the trip was that we got to get away. We didn't have to worry about work or school or bills or anything else. We were able to talk and focus on each other. It was just the kind of break we needed. Going home is fun and relaxing but now it just reminds me of how few of those trips we have before he leaves. I love living in Clarksville, but there are deployment reminders all around me. Getting away let us have time to each other. Time to remember why we love being married. It let us realize why we can make it through this deployment, and why it won't be that hard really. Love knows no distance. And we can make it through anything.
Sorry for that gushy moment. But I needed to get it out. I figure if I say it, it'll be true. Just kidding. Anyways, now we're off to go pick up Blake's phone. He left it at the Mexican restaurant we ate at last night. I'm starting to get a glimpse of our life in several years, and it does not look good. Hopefully, when we have kids, he won't lose them like he loses his cell phone.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Breakdowns
Wow-it's been a while. These past few weeks have been a little bit crazy. Blake and I are on vacation this week while my work is on Spring Break. We spent a few nights in Indiana with our families and our heading out in the morning for Gatlinburg with some friends. I've taken tests, done quizzes, and multiple projects and papers. This break is just what I needed. All with one exception. This is our last leave before he heads to Afghanistan.
It's freaking me out. It is too close. A copy of his orders are sitting on my coffee table, and in less than a month he will be 7,500 miles away. Getting ready for this deployment is much different than last time. Last time I was in complete denial. This time, I know it's coming. I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do is accept the fact, and spend as much time with him as possible.
But still. Even knowing this, there are moments where I just breakdown. I'm not an emotional person or a mushy one, but an impeding deployment makes you one of those mushy, emotional people whether you like it or not. I try to keep it together. Sometimes it's just not so easy.
And you have no idea when it is going to hit you. You could be sitting on the couch, laughing together and the next thing you know, you're ready to bawl your eyes out. Time is so fleeting, and it feels like everything we do is the last time we will get to do it. Everything becomes a sentimental moment-grocery shopping, brushing your teeth together, driving back home to Indiana, etc.
The truth is I'm scared. I'm not ready, and I never will be. There is never a good point in my life to take my husband to some far-away land for a year to 15 months and have people shoot at him. Everything about this scares me. I'm afraid we won't get to talk very often. I'm afraid our marriage is going to change because of it. I'm afraid he will come back different. I'm afraid of living by myself in Tennessee.
But there is no-one better qualified than my husband to help me through this. He is absolutely wonderful when I get to feeling this way. He reassures me and gets me back to my old self. And if it wasn't for him, I would not get out of bed and spend my day crying while I eat ice cream and watch sad, sappy love movies. So I'm thankful that I have him. And so is my body since I would be about 10x my size if I laid in bed and ate ice cream all day. So now I'm off to let him know how grateful I actually am to have him in my life. And if you have someone you love, you should let them know. It's not everyday we get the chance to tell them.
It's freaking me out. It is too close. A copy of his orders are sitting on my coffee table, and in less than a month he will be 7,500 miles away. Getting ready for this deployment is much different than last time. Last time I was in complete denial. This time, I know it's coming. I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do is accept the fact, and spend as much time with him as possible.
But still. Even knowing this, there are moments where I just breakdown. I'm not an emotional person or a mushy one, but an impeding deployment makes you one of those mushy, emotional people whether you like it or not. I try to keep it together. Sometimes it's just not so easy.
And you have no idea when it is going to hit you. You could be sitting on the couch, laughing together and the next thing you know, you're ready to bawl your eyes out. Time is so fleeting, and it feels like everything we do is the last time we will get to do it. Everything becomes a sentimental moment-grocery shopping, brushing your teeth together, driving back home to Indiana, etc.
The truth is I'm scared. I'm not ready, and I never will be. There is never a good point in my life to take my husband to some far-away land for a year to 15 months and have people shoot at him. Everything about this scares me. I'm afraid we won't get to talk very often. I'm afraid our marriage is going to change because of it. I'm afraid he will come back different. I'm afraid of living by myself in Tennessee.
But there is no-one better qualified than my husband to help me through this. He is absolutely wonderful when I get to feeling this way. He reassures me and gets me back to my old self. And if it wasn't for him, I would not get out of bed and spend my day crying while I eat ice cream and watch sad, sappy love movies. So I'm thankful that I have him. And so is my body since I would be about 10x my size if I laid in bed and ate ice cream all day. So now I'm off to let him know how grateful I actually am to have him in my life. And if you have someone you love, you should let them know. It's not everyday we get the chance to tell them.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Issues
Blake & I have adjusted quite well to being married. For the most part, we have navigated our way through marriage (at least the 8 months of it), and we have dealt with adjusting to living with the other person. Our one minor exception would be sleep.
Neither of us have ever had trouble sleeping until the day we said "I do." I believe the problem is really about sharing. Blake had free reign of our queen size bed for 8 months before we got married. And with the exception of college, I've always had either a full size or a queen size bed to myself. We liked it that way.
Now we have to share, and it's just not going well. I've always been a roamer when I sleep, and I've never been one to stay in one place. I move, switch sides, and at times I was known to flip ends and sleep at the bottom of the bed. Now I feel restricted. I can't move around, and it's killing me.
I have to stay in one place, and on top of that, he gets too close to me. I've never been claustrophobic, but I swear I'm developing it. If he crosses that invisible center line and gets too close to me, I feel like I'm going insane and that I might suffocate. And it drives him insane. Our nights consist of him falling asleep the second his head hits the pillow, and then me yelling at him and pushing him the second he moves.
We're at a standstill. Some couples dream of buying a house, getting a pet, and having children. At this point in our marriage, all we're dreaming of is buying a king size bed. It's either that or we're going to have to go back to the 50's and get our own separate beds. Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.
The best part of my night happens at 5 am. When Blake has to get out of bed and leave for PT. I get the whole bed to myself. It reminds me of my better, single days. Just kidding-I love you hubs! But seriously, this is a problem. All these military wives talk about leaving their husband's side of the bed untouched when he deploys. I can't even leave his side of the bed untouched when he leaves for PT!
I guess I'm just not that kind of wife. I mean, I'm all about making the best out of each situation, even during a deployment. If making the best out of the deployment means that I get the whole bed, then so be it. I've got to enjoy something so might as well be sleep. After all, I've always enjoyed my sleep.
Neither of us have ever had trouble sleeping until the day we said "I do." I believe the problem is really about sharing. Blake had free reign of our queen size bed for 8 months before we got married. And with the exception of college, I've always had either a full size or a queen size bed to myself. We liked it that way.
Now we have to share, and it's just not going well. I've always been a roamer when I sleep, and I've never been one to stay in one place. I move, switch sides, and at times I was known to flip ends and sleep at the bottom of the bed. Now I feel restricted. I can't move around, and it's killing me.
I have to stay in one place, and on top of that, he gets too close to me. I've never been claustrophobic, but I swear I'm developing it. If he crosses that invisible center line and gets too close to me, I feel like I'm going insane and that I might suffocate. And it drives him insane. Our nights consist of him falling asleep the second his head hits the pillow, and then me yelling at him and pushing him the second he moves.
We're at a standstill. Some couples dream of buying a house, getting a pet, and having children. At this point in our marriage, all we're dreaming of is buying a king size bed. It's either that or we're going to have to go back to the 50's and get our own separate beds. Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea.
The best part of my night happens at 5 am. When Blake has to get out of bed and leave for PT. I get the whole bed to myself. It reminds me of my better, single days. Just kidding-I love you hubs! But seriously, this is a problem. All these military wives talk about leaving their husband's side of the bed untouched when he deploys. I can't even leave his side of the bed untouched when he leaves for PT!
I guess I'm just not that kind of wife. I mean, I'm all about making the best out of each situation, even during a deployment. If making the best out of the deployment means that I get the whole bed, then so be it. I've got to enjoy something so might as well be sleep. After all, I've always enjoyed my sleep.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Your family, My family, Our family
This weekend we packed up our bags and headed back to our hometown in Indiana to celebrate Blake's birthday and my brother's birthday. It was a great weekend filled with celebration, good food, and quality time with our families. However, every time we head back home it reminds me of how marriage how marriage changes things.
Our time has to be split equally between both families, and sometimes that can cause big problems. We have to make a game plan before we ever leave Clarksville. We decide where we're staying and on what nights, what we're going to do during the days, and how to keep things equal. And the weekend never seems to be long enough. On a typical trip back home, we get into town around 9 pm on Friday night and have to leave by 4 pm on Sunday afternoon. It always seems to be a whirlwind weekend.
For the most part, we have navigated this pretty well. Occasionally, one of us gets a little bit mad and we whine about how we never get to see our family and blah blah blah. But we always make it a priority to be as fair to each family as possible. We don't want either of us or our families to feel short-changed.
But this is all new to us and to our families. I remember when I was in college, and I would come home on the weekends. Those trips home were always so relaxing and refreshing. Majority of my friend had either moved out of town or were away at college, so I just spent time with my family. I didn't have to worry about splitting time or making sure I saw everyone enough. I loved coming home.
I still love coming home, but it is just different. It is still relaxing to get away from things, but at times, it's a bit stressful too. The most relaxing part of coming home was that I didn't have to think about things. There was no work to be done, no deadlines, I didn't have to worry about who I was going to go to dinner with, or who I was hanging out with and on which night. I just packed up my bags and headed off to do NOTHING. It's just not like that any more. We have to put thought into our weekends. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just different.
The great part about it is that this is not a bad problem to have. I mean we both love spending time with each other's families, and we have families who want to be with us too. Tragic, huh?
Our time has to be split equally between both families, and sometimes that can cause big problems. We have to make a game plan before we ever leave Clarksville. We decide where we're staying and on what nights, what we're going to do during the days, and how to keep things equal. And the weekend never seems to be long enough. On a typical trip back home, we get into town around 9 pm on Friday night and have to leave by 4 pm on Sunday afternoon. It always seems to be a whirlwind weekend.
For the most part, we have navigated this pretty well. Occasionally, one of us gets a little bit mad and we whine about how we never get to see our family and blah blah blah. But we always make it a priority to be as fair to each family as possible. We don't want either of us or our families to feel short-changed.
But this is all new to us and to our families. I remember when I was in college, and I would come home on the weekends. Those trips home were always so relaxing and refreshing. Majority of my friend had either moved out of town or were away at college, so I just spent time with my family. I didn't have to worry about splitting time or making sure I saw everyone enough. I loved coming home.
I still love coming home, but it is just different. It is still relaxing to get away from things, but at times, it's a bit stressful too. The most relaxing part of coming home was that I didn't have to think about things. There was no work to be done, no deadlines, I didn't have to worry about who I was going to go to dinner with, or who I was hanging out with and on which night. I just packed up my bags and headed off to do NOTHING. It's just not like that any more. We have to put thought into our weekends. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just different.
The great part about it is that this is not a bad problem to have. I mean we both love spending time with each other's families, and we have families who want to be with us too. Tragic, huh?
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
April 20th
The Army through a curve ball at us today. They gave us a date. A date that will change our life for a little while. I knew it was coming, but it seemed like a much easier pill to swallow when I just had a time frame. April 20th. The day my Husband deploys for the second time.
We have been through this before. Last time it was so simple. I was in my junior-senior year of college, living with great friends, and only an hour away from my family. This time it is completely different. I'm now living in a city where I know just a handful of people outside of work, and I am 285 miles away from my family. I am much more dependent on Blake now than I have ever been before. And now they are taking him away from me. For a whole flippin' year!
Everything will be different this time. EVERYTHING. I'll have to do it all on my own: pay the bills, take out the trash, do the laundry, grocery shop, clean the house, get the mail, load AND unload the dishwasher, and just about anything else that comes along with keeping up a household. I'm not ready. Blake does more than his fair share of work around here. We've split up our chores fairly equally, and he's actually pretty good about keeping up his part of the deal. I'm not ready to have to do it all.
And then there's the food thing. Blake cooks for me. I get home around 9 at night on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights. Blake always has dinner ready for me. (He's actually a really great chef.) Now, I am going to have to be responsible for feeding myself. I have a feeling I'm either going to starve to death, or I'll live off a diet consisting of McDonalds.
We have been married for a little over 7 months, but now I feel like we are getting ready to go back to day 1 in our marriage. We'll have to learn how to make a marriage work when we're 7,000+ miles apart. Our first year of marriage has not been too difficult. The first few weeks were a bit rocky while we learned how to adjust to each other, but after we had worked out the kinks, we really started to enjoy being married. Now we have to learn how to do marriage again. We have to learn how to communicate, how to be independent and dependent at the same time, how to trust when you have no clue what is going on in your spouses life, and the list continues.
To be honest, I am not looking forward to this period in our life. I talked the other day about enjoying each period of our life, but I'm having a hard time imagining how I'm going to enjoy this part of our life. Blake and I have always been able to be flexible in our relationship. That is what kept us together through all the difficult times in our relationship. I have no doubt that we will adapt to this situation, but I am just scared. Change always brings around a little bit of fear, and I am no different.
I don't want things to change. I want Blake to stay here. I want to be able to celebrate our 1st anniversary together. I'm trying to see the positives in this situation though. We get a unique opportunity to see our marriage take on a new role. Our relationship grew by leaps and bounds during his last deployment. I don't know if we would be where we are if it hadn't been for that last deployment. I got to watch Blake grow up, which is something he needed to do. We got engaged on his R&R, and decided to get married the following summer. That deployment shaped Blake into the man I was supposed to marry.
While I'm not to optimistic now, I know this deployment will change our marriage for the better. We will learn how to trust each other in a deeper way, our communication skills will be strengthened, and most importantly, we will learn how to truly appreciate each other. It's too easy to take someone for granted when they are standing right beside you. Relocate them to a war zone and you realize what you have and how blessed you are.
However, at this moment, I am not willing to accept these things. Right now, I just want to pout. I just want to be sad that I have to miss a year with my Husband. And that is OK. It's alright to be sad, to pout, to cry, and to be really mad about the situation. Sometimes you just need to be upset. But then, you need to get over it. Tomorrow I will get over it. I will accept the fact that life is changing for us. I will be positive about what is to come, and I will be grateful to have this opportunity to strengthen our marriage.
But not tonight. Tonight I need to be sad. Tonight I need to cuddle up with my Husband and whine. Tonight I need to be comforted. Because the truth is that I only have 6 weeks to be comforted. After that, it's just me. After that, I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. But not yet. So I'm off to be a baby and to whine as much I can.
We have been through this before. Last time it was so simple. I was in my junior-senior year of college, living with great friends, and only an hour away from my family. This time it is completely different. I'm now living in a city where I know just a handful of people outside of work, and I am 285 miles away from my family. I am much more dependent on Blake now than I have ever been before. And now they are taking him away from me. For a whole flippin' year!
Everything will be different this time. EVERYTHING. I'll have to do it all on my own: pay the bills, take out the trash, do the laundry, grocery shop, clean the house, get the mail, load AND unload the dishwasher, and just about anything else that comes along with keeping up a household. I'm not ready. Blake does more than his fair share of work around here. We've split up our chores fairly equally, and he's actually pretty good about keeping up his part of the deal. I'm not ready to have to do it all.
And then there's the food thing. Blake cooks for me. I get home around 9 at night on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights. Blake always has dinner ready for me. (He's actually a really great chef.) Now, I am going to have to be responsible for feeding myself. I have a feeling I'm either going to starve to death, or I'll live off a diet consisting of McDonalds.
We have been married for a little over 7 months, but now I feel like we are getting ready to go back to day 1 in our marriage. We'll have to learn how to make a marriage work when we're 7,000+ miles apart. Our first year of marriage has not been too difficult. The first few weeks were a bit rocky while we learned how to adjust to each other, but after we had worked out the kinks, we really started to enjoy being married. Now we have to learn how to do marriage again. We have to learn how to communicate, how to be independent and dependent at the same time, how to trust when you have no clue what is going on in your spouses life, and the list continues.
To be honest, I am not looking forward to this period in our life. I talked the other day about enjoying each period of our life, but I'm having a hard time imagining how I'm going to enjoy this part of our life. Blake and I have always been able to be flexible in our relationship. That is what kept us together through all the difficult times in our relationship. I have no doubt that we will adapt to this situation, but I am just scared. Change always brings around a little bit of fear, and I am no different.
I don't want things to change. I want Blake to stay here. I want to be able to celebrate our 1st anniversary together. I'm trying to see the positives in this situation though. We get a unique opportunity to see our marriage take on a new role. Our relationship grew by leaps and bounds during his last deployment. I don't know if we would be where we are if it hadn't been for that last deployment. I got to watch Blake grow up, which is something he needed to do. We got engaged on his R&R, and decided to get married the following summer. That deployment shaped Blake into the man I was supposed to marry.
While I'm not to optimistic now, I know this deployment will change our marriage for the better. We will learn how to trust each other in a deeper way, our communication skills will be strengthened, and most importantly, we will learn how to truly appreciate each other. It's too easy to take someone for granted when they are standing right beside you. Relocate them to a war zone and you realize what you have and how blessed you are.
However, at this moment, I am not willing to accept these things. Right now, I just want to pout. I just want to be sad that I have to miss a year with my Husband. And that is OK. It's alright to be sad, to pout, to cry, and to be really mad about the situation. Sometimes you just need to be upset. But then, you need to get over it. Tomorrow I will get over it. I will accept the fact that life is changing for us. I will be positive about what is to come, and I will be grateful to have this opportunity to strengthen our marriage.
But not tonight. Tonight I need to be sad. Tonight I need to cuddle up with my Husband and whine. Tonight I need to be comforted. Because the truth is that I only have 6 weeks to be comforted. After that, it's just me. After that, I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it. But not yet. So I'm off to be a baby and to whine as much I can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
