Breakdowns

Wow-it's been a while. These past few weeks have been a little bit crazy. Blake and I are on vacation this week while my work is on Spring Break. We spent a few nights in Indiana with our families and our heading out in the morning for Gatlinburg with some friends. I've taken tests, done quizzes, and multiple projects and papers. This break is just what I needed. All with one exception. This is our last leave before he heads to Afghanistan.

It's freaking me out. It is too close. A copy of his orders are sitting on my coffee table, and in less than a month he will be 7,500 miles away. Getting ready for this deployment is much different than last time. Last time I was in complete denial. This time, I know it's coming. I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. All I can do is accept the fact, and spend as much time with him as possible.

But still. Even knowing this, there are moments where I just breakdown. I'm not an emotional person or a mushy one, but an impeding deployment makes you one of those mushy, emotional people whether you like it or not. I try to keep it together. Sometimes it's just not so easy.

And you have no idea when it is going to hit you. You could be sitting on the couch, laughing together and the next thing you know, you're ready to bawl your eyes out. Time is so fleeting, and it feels like everything we do is the last time we will get to do it. Everything becomes a sentimental moment-grocery shopping, brushing your teeth together, driving back home to Indiana, etc.

The truth is I'm scared. I'm not ready, and I never will be. There is never a good point in my life to take my husband to some far-away land for a year to 15 months and have people shoot at him. Everything about this scares me. I'm afraid we won't get to talk very often. I'm afraid our marriage is going to change because of it. I'm afraid he will come back different. I'm afraid of living by myself in Tennessee.

But there is no-one better qualified than my husband to help me through this. He is absolutely wonderful when I get to feeling this way. He reassures me and gets me back to my old self. And if it wasn't for him, I would not get out of bed and spend my day crying while I eat ice cream and watch sad, sappy love movies. So I'm thankful that I have him. And so is my body since I would be about 10x my size if I laid in bed and ate ice cream all day. So now I'm off to let him know how grateful I actually am to have him in my life. And if you have someone you love, you should let them know. It's not everyday we get the chance to tell them.